"I'm Okay. Just Dealing with a Troubled Mind. . . "

The last blog entry was dedicated mostly to introducing our family (for those readers who may be encountering this blog through a random Google search) and the health issue that our unborn daughter now faces. I provided a lot of in depth clinical type background into our circumstance so I've decided to dedicate this separate entry into most of what I'm currently feeling. Writing has always been a source of solace for me and hopefully this will also help me sort out some of the emotions running through me that I continue to repress.

Initially, after our first appointment at the 20 week anatomy ultrasound, I remember feeling disappointed and angry by the loss of innocence that accompanied the ultrasound. As I had mentioned in my previous blog, no one goes into these ultrasounds thinking that they will hear anything but good news. . .until they do. From here on out, every ultrasound that we attend, we'll be entering hoping for good news but expecting to hear the worst. It's how we prepare ourselves and protect ourselves from further heartache like that we encountered at that 20 week appointment. And unfortunately, it doesn't just end with this child. This self protective nature is sure to continue with any future ultrasounds we encounter with children down the road.

Outside of the anger and disappointment, I have developed a fear of attachment to this child. While the statistics are still favorable, there is always the possibility that this sweet, innocent baby may never make it into this world and that even if she does, there is a long, rough journey ahead of us. For this reason, my husband and I have discussed names for the child, but I find myself unable to commit to anything. Besides what name seems significant and special enough for a child who may end up being your miracle baby? Additionally, I look at my 2.5 year old daughter and I start to wonder what this sweet girl will be like. Will she be a towheaded little baby with chubby cheeks like her sister? Will she be overly dramatic, stubborn, and animated like her older sister? Or, will she be much more reserved and laid back like her daddy? As soon as I start to wonder about these things, I find myself turning away from these thoughts. We just need to get through these next 20 weeks successfully before we start to think about the future. I feel guilty for feeling this way. I know it's a coping mechanism but it seems natural for a parent to want to wonder about the future so it makes me upset when this protective instinct kicks in and deprives me of these moments.

Next comes the feelings of worry. Despite the obvious feelings of worry that accompany what the future may hold that are outside of our control, I have also started to worry about the variables that are in my control. Let me explain. Part of the responsibility of being a parent is making decisions for someone who may not be able to make decisions for themselves. When they are born, it's whether or not to breastfeed? When do we start them on solid foods? Cloth diapers or disposable? Circumcision or not? To vaccinate or not? Cry it out or not? These may seem like easy questions to answer for some. For others, like myself, you are always second guessing your choices and whether or not it's the "right" thing to do to ensure that your child thrives in the best possible environment. And if you're anything like me, you may have spent a lot of time reading books or researching these answers on the internet, only to find out that there is no clear answer. Just a ton of opinions floating around. It's a feeling of uneasiness that we may never outgrow and as the children get older and the decisions  become more dire and not necessarily as easy to answer. We are helping to choose the fate of someone who can not advocate for themselves. And unfortunately, as they do grow older and we do become more comfortable persuading their choices in life, most tend to become free thinkers and less likely to take our advice based upon our experience. Back to my main point. . . I keep wondering what this meeting with our pediatric surgeon will entail next Thursday. Will he believe that surgery in utero is the way to go for our specific circumstances? When the time comes, will I be able to properly weigh the risks versus rewards and make the right decision? Will I have any say in the hospital that we are referred to (based upon military insurance) and if so, will I pick the best one? And if the baby should not require surgery in utero, and makes it full term, will I have a say in whether or not the operate on the baby immediately after birth or further down the road? If so, will I make the right decision?

Finally, comes the feelings of defensiveness and protectiveness. I have shared the CCAM diagnosis with VERY few people at this point. Anyone who knows me personally knows that this is not typical of my personality. I wear my heart on my sleeve and if anything, could be classified as an oversharer. While part of me wants to tell the world and ask all of my prayer warriors to make us a part of their daily ritual, the other part of me says that Facebook is not the place to make our business public knowledge. Part of the reasoning behind this is that I feel protective for this innocent baby. I don't want people to think of her any differently or as being imperfect. She may not be perfect by medical standards but she is perfect to me. . . exactly the way God intended her to be. I also don't want sympathy from anyone. Support? Yes, of course. But I definitely don't want insincere sympathy. I don't want feelings of awkwardness as who truly knows what to say to someone who is dealing with a health issue unless they have been there? I also don't want anyone to overcompensate and tell me that everything is going to be fine and that this baby is perfect. First, that is false hope and you are not a doctor. We are aware (or at least researching to gain awareness) the risks associated with everything. I appreciate the attempts at optimism bu what will be will be and we can only continue to deal with this one day at a time.

These are all issues that have plagued my mind throughout the last three days. However, when someone asks me "How are you feeling?"."What are your concerns?" or "Would you like me to set it up so that you can talk with someone?", I'm reluctant to share. Are these natural reactions? Will I be judged for how I'm feeling? Perhaps I can't bring myself to say them out loud but at least I will always have this blog to write freely and work out some of the inner turmoil that troubles me. It may also provide some incite to my family so that when they ask me these questions and I answer with a simple, "I'm okay. Just dealing with a troubled mind", they will know my inner thought and not have to pry further. And for anyone dealing with a CCAM and encountering this blog by chance, they may also feel validated in their own feelings.
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